Watch out world! I’m suffering an attack of the ‘horrormones’ and I can’t be held responsible for who I attack as a result. Well that’s my excuse anyway.
(Horrormones are hormones on steroids – I came across this non-medical but perfectly accurate term when we were doing IVF and I was partaking of lovely hormonal cocktail each cycle – well actually you get jabbed with a dozen or more needles per cycle to pump hormones into you and then there are the progesterone pessaries you have to insert post embryo transfer…well it’s all pretty horrible, especially when it doesn’t work, again, and again, and again, and again (8 times again)….So you take any laughs you can get during an IVF cycle, and I had to laugh at the term ‘horrormones’.)
Do you blame hormones for your bad moods? Are they a legitimate excuse? Or perhaps just part of the problem?
I’m snapping like a croc who hasn’t eaten in weeks, my head is about to explode New Year’s Eve fireworks and I’m feeling as flat as one of those French crepes I’ve never been able to cook so thin.
Enough with the clichés.
It’s a full moon too (or about to be), and my cycle is perfectly aligned with the moon’s this month, so I have that as an excuse too. No wonder I’m mad, literally explosive.
Little Yang went from being angelic sleeping angel on Monday (see below picture when he fell asleep with a McDonald’s French fry in his mouth after a big morning of shopping with Mummy – too cute) to a supremely annoying tot by Wednesday and then the most terrible of three year old terrors by yesterday, so that I sunk to new depths of mean motherhood I’m sure.
Then last night he wet his bed for the first time in ages and I blamed myself – even if I am calling in the hormonal defence.
About six months ago I wrote a post about feeling like I was on fire (far too much yang energy, not going to any useful purpose), and I pondered whether the big ‘M’ was looming (well of course it’s on its way, just how soon is the issue).
Now I’m pretty convinced I’m pre-menopausal, which also means having to admit to maybe, perhaps, possibly, becoming middle-aged, especially since I’m about to turn 45!
For me this has come with a last burst of angst that I’ve come to the end of the fertility line without ever giving birth – that the ‘infertile’ fertile period of my life is indeed over. Period. (Incidentally, and I hope this isn’t getting into realms of over-sharing, my periods have always been as regular as a run of Februarys, kind of annoying considering the infertility and all – and I’m more than OVER them).
The horrormones seem to be reinforcing the point – it’s over – in case I still haven’t totally come to terms with it. And I’m very close to being OK with it, I really am.
I know I should probably consider medication or alternative therapies or something to try to balance out my hormones and maybe make me a better person in the process (considering how I bang on about balance as yinyangmother).
I just have this real reluctance to be ‘treated’, especially with any hormones, having endured so many cycles of treatment in the past and having tried acupuncture, Chinese herbs and other alternative therapies along the way (none of which were bad, but none of which worked either).
So for me its yoga, meditation and wine, not necessarily in that order.
And I’m wondering whether the problem is more than being hormonal, pre-menopausal even – whether it’s more about my angst over the future, my search for purpose, and an overwhelming frustration at things that feel like they are holding me back from where I want to be (even when I’m not sure where that is)?
Am I using a hormonal imbalance as an excuse to not get my shit together, to not find/follow my passion, because it’s all too hard when you are feeling so up and down all the time – how can you be expected to think straight let alone act with purpose? Am I surrendering control to hormones just like I had to during those long years of infertility treatment?
I don’t know the answers, but I know I need to question myself? And I’d love any advice or any stories of solidarity – I sure as hell know I’m not the only hormonal woman on the planet!
Hooking up with Grace for FYBF and looking forward to my yoga retreat in 7 days! And looking forward to my 100th post next week – what should I write about?