This week marks two major anniversaries in my life – the 10th anniversary of adopting our beautiful daughter (23rd) and the 16th anniversary of losing our baby (ectopic pregnancy) on the 18th. It feels strange, and I guess quite yin-yang in a way, for these two occasions to fall so closely together. We also received ‘the call’ to match us … Read More
We’re talking about it, at least a lot more than we used to. When I was struggling with infertility (I’m still infertile, but it’s a moot point these days), I felt so isolated. I isolated myself. Of course I knew I wasn’t alone – I’d meet plenty of women at the fertility clinic, faces that I’d barely scan and could … Read More
You would have been turning sweet sixteen right about now. Although you may have been a boy, so I wouldn’t be calling you sweet (handsome perhaps, whispered, lest anyone hear). In my dreams I imagined calling you strong, resilient, compassionate, confident – regardless of your gender. In my dreams I imagined calling you my child. I will never know.
Perfection has to be the most impossible of expectations yet I have burdened myself with it. Not, thankfully, in every area of my life, or I might just have sacrificed my sanity. I’m quite Ok with not having the house spotless (or even close), and with being on the lax side of the grooming (although not hygiene) department. In any … Read More
Teddy bears are worth holding onto for (dear) life – you are never too old. Some things don’t serve you, like guilt, and shame and old socks and you just need to let them go, but not a treasured teddy. A teddy (or two or three) can take you through life’s lowest lows. You see when we think of favourite … Read More
Watch out world! I’m suffering an attack of the ‘horrormones’ and I can’t be held responsible for who I attack as a result. Well that’s my excuse anyway. (Horrormones are hormones on steroids – I came across this non-medical but perfectly accurate term when we were doing IVF and I was partaking of lovely hormonal cocktail each cycle – well actually … Read More
Do you ever get over the death of a loved one? Do you ever fully recover after trauma, or accident, or a life-threatening illness? Does divorce always leave love a little (or a lot) broken for you? Does financial loss always leave you feeling poor? Does failure always leave you feeling a failure? When you get a second chance, renewed … Read More
I should start by saying it was beautiful, just as the baby who will be my great niece or nephew (OMG) will no doubt be beautiful. It’s been a while between baby showers (if not drinks). And they get easier, they really do, but still…. Ok – first to address my faux horror at being a Great Aunt (by marriage I must … Read More
Australia, August 15, 1998 On the worst day of my life, the scan couldn’t find our baby. It was supposed to be the most magical of moments – that first glimpse of our child/children – an eight-week-old embryo or embryos. Just a dot sized shadow on the screen no doubt. Or double dots. The untrained eye would doubtless miss him/her/them. But … Read More
In the end, the journey was as long as it needed to be. It sounds like one of those poignant closing lines from an epic story of love and adventure, the fairy tale kind with twists and turns and hopes of a happy conclusion dashed around every corner, until the narrative rounds that very last bend, the orchestra reaches its … Read More
I’ve been hiding something in the bottom drawer for a while…a manuscript for a book I’ve written about our journey through infertility and adoption. I’ll bravely push the publish button on some excerpts on my blog, and I’d love if you could let me know what you think. All feedback welcome.
NB – This post was orginally published on Tiny Buddha.com on 9 October, 2012. If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place. Lao Tsu. Long before health experts were telling us ‘you are what you eat’, even before Buddha spoke his wisdom, ‘what we think we become’, ancient Chinese sage Lao Tsu mused that … Read More
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